Sermon by The Rev Chris Yaw, 7/3/2022, Matthew 5
I have a friend who lives in a really nice neighborhood.
Last year, a new family moved in next door.
And my friend was offended when this new neighbor began parking her pricey SUV on the corner of his lawn.
Yes, the neighbor did this routinely, forcing my friend to buy a truckload of heavy rocks to define his lawn in order to keep his rude neighbor from parking on his lawn.
One day when I was visiting with a group of people, my friend told us this story - he also told of encounters he had of waving to this neighbor while driving past one another and getting no acknowledgement. He ended his stories by saying, 'What nerve that neighbor has!'
That's when another friend asked, 'Well, that seems, strange, because I've run into that neighbor at the grocery store and the family is actually quite nice.'
'You know them?' my friend said.
'Yes,' then she went on to say that the family had just immigrated from another country and their knowledge of language and customs was still growing. Then she asked, 'Have you ever met them - your rude next door neighbors?'
My friend humbly admitted he had not.
He had not welcomed them to the neighborhood, gone over to introduce himself, or even stopped over to ask about the parking on the lawn.
He had just assumed that anyone moving into such a nice neighborhood would certainly have the social cues needed to live there, including the good sense not to park on someone else's lawn.
My friend then wondered if his rude neighbor actually knew he was being rude?
That's the work of Georgetown business school professor, Dr. Christine Porath.
She writes extensively about the cause and effects of bad behavior - she’s got a great TED talk and lots of papers and books if you want to look her up - and she says, that 80% of rude behavior is not understood or meant, by its purveyor, to be rude - that most people most of the time, honestly don’t know they’re being offensive or rude.
That’s right - when we cut people off, interrupt, cut in, or park on the neighbor's lawn - we usually have no idea we’re actually being offensive.
So, my friend went next door, introduced himself, and discovered that this family was indeed from another country, was still getting to know the language and morays, and had no idea their behavior had come across as rude or distasteful.
-----------
This story comes to mind this morning as you and I contemplate the challenging words of Jesus who tells us to love, not just the people who love us, our family and friends, but those who we may not know or even like.
On this weekend, when we commemorate the founding of the most diverse nation on the face of the earth, where taking the time to know, listen to, and understand one another is critical to our individual and communal survival, we get these words from Jesus to be loving - to be kind, humble, forgiving, and accepting - to even be assertive about treating others well.
And so, my sermon title and topic are designed to help us take that love from here, both practically and memorably, into our holiday commemorations. So let me sum it up in one phrase:
Answer rudeness with kindness.
---------------
I was in the grocery store a few weeks ago, with my 3-year-old perched on my shoulders, when an elderly woman, a complete stranger, approached me and said:
“You better take that boy down off your shoulders, that’s a long way for him to fall - and unless you hold onto both of his legs he’s going to tumble to the ground and crack his head wide open!"
My first instinct, as yours might be, was to feel a bit off-put by any stranger who tries to give a parent unsolicited child-rearing advice, especially amidst a crowd of people.
And if you would have felt like saying, ‘Bug off lady and mind your own business!’ then you would be in good company - including mine...
But I paused and hesitated -
Remembering some sage advice I was once given:
‘In the initial moments of personal offense, don’t talk, text, or type.’
Somebody here may have needed to hear that today - as we respond to flaming emails, crazy drivers, unprovoked offenses, and rude relatives: Take a breath - and don’t talk, text, or type.’
And then, these words:
Answer rudeness with kindness.
We are to throw water, not gasoline, on these little sparks of anger and dissension that flare up in our worlds.
We are to be calm and understanding in the midst of fiery outbursts and flaming antagonisms.
Our job is not to get defensive and retaliate, it's to get offensively thoughtful and tolerant.
Answer rudeness with kindness.
-----------
And if you're wondering why we're rude to one another, and why, these days, we seem to run into it more often, experts say a big reason is because rudeness is directly related to stress: the more worried we are, the more apt we are to treat others badly.
What's more, when we encounter rude behavior, it can really affect us - our judgement and outlook.
I mentioned earlier, once did a study on this. She took two groups of people. The first had an encounter with a rude person, the second didn't. Then these two groups were asked to think of as many ways to use a brick as they could imagine.
The group that did not have an encounter with bad behavior suggested bricks could be used for building a house, paving a driveway, or making a sculpture.
But the group of people who had encountered the rude behavior came up with disturbing ideas, like using the brick to conk someone on the head, trip them while walking, or tying it to someone's ankle before throwing them into a lake.
Rudeness affects us in the moment, and well into the next and the next and the next.
Our job is to understand how it will affect us, and how we should respond, shunning the temptation towards vengeance and allowing our better angels to triumph:
Answer rudeness with kindness.
--------------
"Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..."
If you're like me you may have trouble naming your enemies, go ahead and name them - and don't say Ohio State...
But the word enemy implies hatred and some sort of permanent, nefarious opposition, which is rare for me to feel - and, therefore, can make this passage seem distant, because I have a hard time coming up with a bona fide enemy.
So instead, can we name someone who's just rude, impolite, abrasive, or hard to get along with?
Ok, now the wheels are turning... Now we can think of that jerk of a neighbor, that selfish co-worker, that lying politician, that difficult in-law, that entitled sibling, shall I go on?
Those are the people we're supposed to love. Maybe not enemies, but close enough...
In other words, name someone rude or hard to get along with, and love them, or at least tolerate them. Don't allow their bad behavior to steal your good disposition - or our attempts to repair the world - which only comes through kindness and love.
Answer rudeness with kindness.
---------------
One of my common reactions to rudeness is to think of how I observe it in other people, but Jesus’ words also challenge us to think of ways we may be the purveyors of bad behavior ourselves - as we remember that 80% of the time, rude people don't know that they are being rude - that includes you and me.
So, I'm going to read off a list of statements from Dr. Porath and pause in between to give us a chance to contemplate what we're bringing to the table...
Acknowledging rudeness in ourselves - is a way to bless others, through our own self-knowledge - by being aware of ways we may not be as kind as we might like.
So here goes:
Do you neglect saying please or thank you?
Do you use email when face-to-face is needed?
Do you take too much credit for collaborative work?
Do you keep people waiting needlessly?
Do you text or email during meetings?
Do you talk down to others?
Do you fail to apologize when you've offended someone?
Do you fail to acknowledge others?
Do you pass the blame when you've contributed to a mistake?
Do you belittle others nonverbally?
Do you spread rumors?
Do you retreat into your e-gadget?
Are you disrespectful in disagreeing?
Do you avoid looking out for others?
Do you interrupt others?
Do you speak unkindly of others?
-----------
An interesting study was done at a hospital in Israel not long ago.
Researchers wanted to know how rudeness affected productivity, so they charted the behavior of surgical teams.
They split these teams into two groups. One group included teams that got along well, respected one another, and behaved civilly and orderly.
The second group was made up of teams where bickering and disrespect were not uncommon. On these teams, members were scared to make mistakes, because they would be punished. So, they withheld information, didn't share as much as they should.
And it turned out that the outcomes of the teams in the second group really suffered. They had less positive patient outcomes, more post-operation problems, and their overall performance regarding patient care, was measurably lower.
Civility pays off in the workplace - where, in this case, the stakes were life and death.
But it also pays off in our home lives - and in the everyday ways you and I move through the world.
Putting more respect, forgiveness, and kindness into practice pays only dividends.
So, friends, let us choose kindness over rudeness.
Writer Russ Roberts says this.
You and I never know the full story.
We don’t know the battles people are fighting all around us.
So be kind.
Cut those around you some slack.
It is hard getting through life.
Others look like ducklings crossing a pond - they look like they are skating effortlessly along — but they, like you and me are furiously paddling below - struggling with all kinds of things that are concealed.
So be kind.
Don’t bear a grudge.
Don’t keep score.
Give people around you the benefit of the doubt.
Wag more, bark less.
You will be happier for it and the people around you will enjoy your company all the more.
Answer rudeness with kindness.
Amen.